Hold On
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Did I do enough? Did I do what was right? Should I have taken him the other way in the house instead of up the steps? How will I ever walk in my room again? The sheets still smell like him. Who's going to watch football with me? Who am I going to fight on the bed with? Who's gonna love me like no human ever could? Should I have taken him to a chiro? Should I have spent the $3,500+ to have that surgery? Would it have worked? Were the people that checked him out qualified? Should I have not fed him from my plate? It's all my fault. It's all the vet's fault. God is mean. How can I forgive myself? Did he know I loved him?
Copper, I am so sorry I failed you! Forgive me for everything!Did he know he was going to die? Is he happy? Is he here with me somewhere? I'm losing my fucking mind. My Mom told me these maddening thoughts would happen, but how can I repel them? How can I possibly go on without him? What do I do with his collar? His beds? His kennel, his bowls, his clothes, his toys, his steps, his pet crate, his blankets? WHAT?! This song is looping, looping, looping...."It seems now that nothing is right, there's nothing but pain.I don't feel right on this sad night. Lord, I've got thistles growing in my pillow. Hold on.Give me one more chance."Or just give me some sleep and another week under my belt. I'm a Spartan woman and right now I'm angry and confused as to why God would do this to my innocent boy. Fucking inferior German engineering....